Well, today was the service for Bruce. I was in tears almost the minute we got to the funeral home to set up pictures and stuff... the first other people there were Bruce's birth mom and sisters, which was a very emotional meeting for me (and them!).

Mostly the service was arranged by me, since I was still his wife. His sister helped out a LOT and the elder brother footed the bill for it all (on Monday I had said that I would not be able to afford a service and would have to look at some sort of private thing later --- the gov't offers a $2500 benefit to go towards funeral/burial, but I was told just the basic cremation tops out around $3500).

I had Fleetwood Mac playing as background as everyone arrived. We entered to Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart (one of Bruce's faves). Emma and I said a few words, a little memory. His mum spoke, his brother, then his dad --- and his dad was very choked up and made a mention of "Bruce's beautiful wife Erin and lovely daughter Emma" in relation to two he lived his life and life-altering people/events.

I had a DVD of pictures made, some I had taken in and some his mum had found, and it was t Meat Loaf ... his last rock opera, "I would do anything for love" ... we loved Meat Loaf, and he came to do his Bat out of Hell II concert here, and it got postponed ... which meant Bruce was out at work and couldn't attend. I took a friend instead but he always talked about missing it.

Then the pastor went up and spoke for a while. Then was the last song, which was for Emma and me ...Angel by The Coors, and the family all walked out to It's a Wonderful World.

Jan --- I took your flowers to the service and had them up beside the urn along with a huge vaseful of lilacs that Emma and I picked yesterday. They were beautiful and I so appreciated having them.

There was only about 40-45 people ... how it goes when you slide into alcohol, I guess. Too many people don't know what to say or do. One person from Bs old job came --- the IT guy. I was a bit shocked that the owners or the Edmonton manager did not attend. In all it was a good day with people talking to Emma, who did very well.

B's older brother came by the house later in the afternoon ... wanting to make sure I won't be ruined financially --- he will check in with me in a few weeks once he's back in Switzerland. If I meed help they now seem to be willing to step in. I have made it clear that Emma needs everyone to rally around her now.

I had him cremated ... the family was scattered a bit so I had arranged for them to go see him Thursday night if they wanted to say goodbye that way. I could not go --- the Bruce I had, I really had thought of as having died a few years ago, and I could NOT see him the way he would have looked havign been sick and weak ond lost a lot of weight.

I also had a little "keepsake urn" done for Emma with some of his ashes, so she could always have some tangible part of him to have with her. I had found a bunch of the father's day gifts she had made ... so we had taken them to place around his urn at the front of the chapel.

Now that its over .... I cannot stop the tears from springing up and spilling over. I just can't stop them. I think I have cried more in this one day than in the last week.

Later this afternoon, Emma went to the neighbor's house, the grandma of the little girl I babysat so long ago. I had to go lay down a bit. I conked out and kept waking up and trying to replay the same episode of Bones I had been trying to watch... Emma had called at one point to ask if she could stay there for dinner, and I promptly went back to sleep. Then she called at 10:15 asking if she could sleep over, and came home and packed her nightie and toothbrush and I walked her back over, and let the grandma know that if she needs me to call, because Emma's losing it later at night but being fine all day.

Tomorrow, Bruce's birth mom and sister are going to come over to talk for a while --- all three of them got here for the service today, and I am so glad. The youngest sister had to fly out right after the service to get back on board the cruise ship she works on. I am looking forward to seeing them a bit more. They are just such wonderful women. We have been communicating quite a bit with the one sister, and since Bruce was in hospital, I had been emailing back and forth quite a bit with his mother. They are devastated by this, too, obviously.

Well ... I am going to go try to relax a bit, and get some sleep. Thank you all so much for your comments --- seriously, it is you here that have held me up this week, as well as the messages at facebook. I do not know how I would have gotten through this without you all.