Okay it's official now ...

I got a letter on Monday from the company that holds the life insurance ont he mortgage ... they have approved the claim and sent out a cheque to the mortgage corporation --- my house is hereby paid off!!!

I got a letter yesterday from Canada Pension --- Emma has been approved for child-survivor's pension, and I have been approved for the widow's pension. Thank god! It will really help out to have the extra money coming in --- being that I was surviving without child support, this will mostly make up for it. And Emma's is continual as long as she is a full-time student or up to age 25, whichever comes first. Mine is forever, basically. And it is paid retroactively to the date of death, so a little lump sum cheque is on its way.

 I also had gotten the official Medical Examiner's Certificate couple of weeks ago --- it it the official ruling on cause and manner of death ---- official cause of death was ateriosclerosis/coronary artery disease with alcoholism as a contributing factor, the manner of death has been ruled natural causes (ie, not suicide or homicide).

It has been a LONG six months waiting and waiting ... but it's finalluy coming together. Big sigh of relief here!

Oh, and in the meantime ... I paid off my little truck! I made the last payment one week ago. So, I no longer have that payment to worry about either --- it was $450/mo, and the mortgage was about $1000. So it's goign to make life so much easier to NOT have to come up with $1450/mo!

Otherwise ... we're okay. We are mostly better after our little run-in with the flu (which, turned out to be H1N1 modt likely --- they stopped swabbing mid-October because they were all coming back positive, and they also said it was too early for the seasonal flu, so if anyone had flu-like symptoms, they'd need lots of rest and fluids and could get off the paranoia bandwagon because they already had it!) Emma was down for almost a month with it, and I was out for about 2 weeks. Now I am back to working on getting this house together for some Christmas selling!

On that note ... I'm off! Hope you all are having a memorable Remembrance Day

OMG OMG.... Update #2 at end, hence timestamp

FINALLY...some good news!!!!

I haven't said anything about this, because I have just had hit after hit lately and didn't want to jinx anything ... but our mortgage holding bank was being a bunch of assholes over our life insurance that was on our mortgage, and kept bugging me about making the claim.
They were refusing to waive my mortgage payments and making the status "claim pending" even though they had the death certificate ... the forms they gave me were supposed to be completed by a doctor or hospital --- although it is law in Alberta that in cases when the Medical Examiner has investigated, the ONLY person who can complete any paperwork is the ME.

So I had been waiting for Bruce's autopsy file to be completed (it takes anywhere from 3-5 months, with it usually being 5+ months) in order to get the claim made. And the lady at the bank (acting branch manager) was being a total and complete bitch to me over the entire thing ... because "what if he committed suicide, we have to be sure he didn't or they won't pay out the mortgage"

I got the call last Wednesday from the MEs office that the file was complete, so I went the very next day, got the certificate that shows the means and manner of death (natural causes, coronary artery disease) and went straight to the bank --- and this acting manager was still being all smirky and kept saying "IF they approve your claim... they might not, you know" and was generally freaking me out ...

Anyway, I called the bank branch today, because I was upset about the fact that they had sent a second mortgage renewal package to Bs address, then sent a letter to the bank saying it was returned by the post office ... 5 WEEKS AFTER SHE CALLED THEM IN FRONT OF ME TO TELL THEM THAT SENDING IT TO ME WAS WISER (since I was a) alive and b) the mortgage-payer and c) LIVING in the house that was mortgaged)... I was trying to see who the now manager is to talk to her about how horrible this woman made me feel.

Sure enough the 'acting branch manager' picked up so I pretended to be asking how much my account was in overdraft so that I could make one trip to my other bank to get cash and bring it back there... so she looked up my account, and said, "It's not in overdraft" ... and I said, "It should be. How much is in there?" So she tells me ... and said, "There was a deposit made today for $1900"
THE MORTGAGE CORPORATION REVERSED THE CHARGES FOR MORTGAGE PAYMENTS FOR JULY AND AUGUST --- MEANING ESSENTIALLY THAT THE INSURANCE CLAIM HAS GONE THROUGH AND MY HOUSE IS HEREBY PAID OFF!!!

Now, she also said that the "official word is that it is pending and that they have recieved the paperwork"  but I said, "It's not likely they would give me money back unless they had approved it" ... ans she (finally) said, "There's no reason they wouldn't approve it, and it wouldn't make sense to reverse those charges if they had not come to a decision". Because they would have still showed payments owing for September and October if they were still working on it.

I am SO relieved right now. I still have a huge debtload that was joint-name, but I have one more truck payment to Ford Credit for my Escape ($447) and IT will also be paid off, and now no mortgage payment to worry about. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders; I am so glad I called there today~

So ... that is a HUGE load off my mind. HUGE.

EDIT: Going to shut up just yet ...

UPDATE:
Okay ... talked again to bank, head office this time, which could be a huge entry all on its own ... however---

The bank has submitted the claim to the Life Insurance company --- thus the payment re-imbursement. Because the claim is "officially pending", the bank refunds in anticipation of the payment from the life insurance, which is backdated to the first payment after date of death.

Will talk more soon ... just had to explain a bit further.

sick

Yep... I am sick. I had a fever Saturday, with sharp pain from my sternum all the way to my pelvic floor. Then it went away, and I felt sore and run-over-by-a-truck today.

I went to bed at 10pm ... woke up at midnight burning up --- to the point the heat is radiating off my face. Ugh. My throat hurts, and one ear hurts.

H1N1 is rearing a very ugly head in the vicinity, so I'm a bit worried it's that --- although there's not much they can really do as long as I am mobile and not dehydrated.

In the good news department --- Emma is better than she was, but still very quick to get a wet cough (usually after being outside) as she was over the weekend. she's staying home tomorrow, but I'm hoping she'll be back to school by Tuesday morning.

On that note, I'm going to try to catch some sleep now that I don't feel as burning up as I did a few hours ago (I have the windows open behind me, and it's only about 1C out there)

I hope you all are healthy and happy

ooo eee oooo.....

So, I haven't said a lot about anything lately. Not really. Not the inner stuff, just the outer stuff.

But I have to say this...

Part of Bruce's funeral was a DVD slideshow with pictures his mom had, and pictures that I had. And I had set it to one of his absolute favourite songs...

Meatloaf. I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That).

He was a HUGE fan of the Rock Opera thing Meatloaf has going. Bruce had bought tickets back when Bat Out Of Hell II Tour was coming through, but ended up working, so Shelley and I went. And I called him when we got back, and told him how much fun it was, etc... he always joingly ribbed me about it. He always wanted to see Meatloaf live. And I was a bit apprehensive as to how appropriate it is to have Meatloaf at a funeral...the pastor himself said that if it was a favourite song, then good enough (as long as it wasn't gangsta rap, LOL).

So, a few weeks later, in July sometime, I went on Bruce's laptop that I had gotten with his belongings. And I was planning to use it as a CD burning/mp3 thing, all the music on  that because it was already loaded with a TON of songs.

So I go into Windows Media Player --- and there is page after page of "Unknown Artist / Unknown Title" ... and I'm thinking , "Oh great, I am going to have to go through song by song to out the info in."

So I randomly click one... and it was the Meatloaf song. THAT song.

Out of 1000+ songs, it had to be that one? I literally got a bit dizzy and had to sit down. How, out of that many songs, can I click something in the middle of the page, could it be a coincidence?

Fast forward to yesterday. Emma has been sick for almost 2 weeks, I'm tired, and I zoomed over to Safeway for some warm fresh French Bread. And I'm snooping around some of my favourite aisles that sometimes have really good sales on.

And our wedding song comes on the music in the store. It is a very uncommonly played song. I have never heard it on the radio, I have never heard it in a lounge or anywhere.

Marc Cohn. True Companion.  It's a wedding song now (and in all the thousands of weddings I worked in the 90's, I never once heard another couple choose it).

And I'm standing there in the ice cream aisle, French bread steaming away, and a bag of apple fritters (OMG THE BEST) and on comes this song.

And you'd have to hear it. Oh hang on, maybe I can find it. Here's a link to a live version;  sorry I don't know if I can embed it, so a link it is. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjqE93oCZn8

Anyway ... I'm standing there, and chills ran over me.

It's almost like what the pastor said at the funeral --- the alcohol is gone, the pain and anger and rage is all gone and he is him again somewhere. He is as I said he would be ... walking the dogs by a river and just hangin' out, camping or something.

I'm not big on religion at all ... but I do believe in spirits and spirituality and even ghosts --- not the white-sheet kind, but the ones who stay closeby. Like Ghost Whisperer or Crossing Over (John Edward) ... I've had too many 'coincidences' like this through my life to think anything else.

So I think maybe he's there somewhere ... letting me know he's okay? (*trying no to cry --- the song is playing on a different tab). Letting me know he really DID love me so much, as his sister said when we were planning the funeral, that it was there...just under everything else -- the alcohol and the effects of it on him, the toxins in his system that could never be filtered out, in his brain, where the tissues are like magnets to toxins.

But strip all that away ... if it hadn't been for that, we'd still be together, we'd have at least 3 kids, and living a really happy life. That one thing.

But moving on, as difficult as it will be, and as difficult as it IS .... I can hopefully remember these things, and know that he's okay, and that the old him is with me in spirit, but that I can move on and find true happiness again.

Just had to get it out today...

Still sorting...

I am still sorting --- only now I am sick of it all and am loading it all down to the extra bedroom downstairs. I will deal with it all a little more slowly in the spring.  I can't afford to just gove it all away, but I am going to take a bunch of Bruce's warm stuff to the Bissell Centre downtown for them to hand out to homeless men.

So, today I went through a lot more ... I have 4 empty basket/bins now. Mostly just getting like items together and putting them in a place they belong rather than being in bots here and there. I am still a bit overwhelmed as to how much stuff is crammed into this house. It isn't as bad as the show "Hoarders"  but I understand the language those folks speak.... not fluent in the language but understand it, you know?
I just have more to do than time to do it. I have always had problems with giving my clothes away --- I have done huge truckloads a fw times of things that don't fit ... then I drop 15 lbs and wish I had them (I almost always buy fairly classic clothing and change up the accessories instead of buying stuff that is too "fad"-ey --- although those of you on Facebook know I have one shirt that is really fad-ish!). Or then I gain 20, like I have this last year being on Lyrica (nobody warned me!!) and I wish I had something other than yoga pants to fit me.

I'll be working into the night to get things put downstairs, and this main living space a bit more liveable. I have a few more plants I want to transplant, and I want to take some time to organize the AVON stock I manage to keep rotating, as I have a few home parties coming up, and they'd be great places to sell gift items cash & carry, or to add to their orders. I have always made a few "executive decisions"  when it comes to surprise packs --- I will buy 4 if they are buy 1 get one free at $20 with each pack having $100 worth of stuff in them) or Advance Order Packs of new items at 2-for-1 or the whole line of bath & body when it's priced together. I also have a lot of the little hostess-gift type stuff, like tea towels, and bath towel sets and Roots tote bags and stuff like that. Lots of tree ornaments and other Xmas stuff that always goes fast. It's likely there are a lot of people looking for stuff they missed out on last year.

Emma has been really sick for quite a while now... I am suspecting H1N1 although they don't seem too interested in swabbing her for it. It is here... a friend down by Calgary's daughter has it. And Emma has been coughing up a storm all week. I had taken her baclk to the mini-ER/after-hours-care-facility we have in my town on Monday, after having taken her there the previous Thursday when she was basically barking every 5-8 seconds nonstop... he gave her a dose of steroids to reduce the irritation in her throat (called it "croup even though she is old to call it that") to reduce the coughing. They certainly take precautions there ---we were masked within about 5 seconds Thursday night, and Emma wore her mask back there Monday so that she was 'safe'  from the second we walked in. Holy hell was it busy on Monday, though! We got there at 6:15 and there was already almost 40 people waiting --- it opens at 6pm every day. So they figured it was a new something that got in because of her already-weakened state. Oh goody. So I have been giving her cold medicine, even though they don't want kids to have prolonged use --- I can't just leave her to cough all day long or all night! She is tired enough.

Oh, and she is still having "I want my Daddy"  episodes... last night at midnight she called to me that she needed me. So she had a little cry, and a cuddle with me, and I did my best to soothe her. It's getting so hard to do, though. He made his choices and those choices led to her being fatherless. And it pisses me off sometimes.

Oh and on that front ... my MIL who is the retired psych nurse wacko? ... I got into Bruces email, more worried that there would be business to attend to back in August. I was in there again the other night --- would you believe that, obviously after a phone conversation where Bruce said that I was on a power-trip and that's why I wanted him to go to rehab, she actually said in an email that she agreed that I was probably just on a power trip!!!! What a farking idiot. She basically gave him a loaded gun and said 'go blow your brains out, son' ... and she has the gall to blame me or the doctors. She kept saying, too, that if he felt he wasnted to "go the AADAC route"  that she would "take him to AADAC"  --- this is the woman who professes to know everything about addiction from working the psych ward (the very psych ward that I phoned years ago to see if I could have Bruce committed as a danger to others due to his withdrawal grand mal seizures)... now to explain, AADAC is the Alberta Alcohol and Drus Abuse Commission --- a provincial government referral and media department. They're the ones who do studies on substance abuse, and produce commercials and print ads and billboards about it all ... they are not a rehab facility... yet she kept saying she'd take him there. It's kinda like saying "You need your appendix out, so I'll take you to the Alberta Health Care office (that does record-keeping and billing)"  instead of a hospital.
She's a friggin nutjob, nuttier than a fruitcake, a prime example of 'the patient running the asylum'. She is utterly crazed.
Emma wants nothing to do with her anymore ... she had enough of her gramma's little mid games that were directed at me infront of her last year. There's a reason why this woman's own daughter that lives here didn't speak to her for 7 years, and the rest of them have moved far away (one as far as Switzerland) .... OY.

Whew ... okay that was weighing on my mind! It's good to just get it out!

Well, back to working on making some sense of my living space again ... I would have taken before and after pics, but it's too embarrassing.  Plus the number of repairs that need doing around here... oy. So much stuff that Bruce either ruined (I think it was a way of keeping me here because he thought the house would be unsellable as it was) or did a really bad job doing it to begin with ... I'll be getting my education in re-doing a bath surround soon, I think ... gotta get the green/wet wall and then I have a huge stack of really nice ceramic tiles to put up that I got free from a lady on freecycle who actually wasn't going to post them, her son was going to take them to the dump(!!).

So that's it for me right now...