My horoscope according to Yahoo

July 07, 2009

Taurus (4/20-5/20)

1. You're happy with yourself. You always have been, and there's no reason to think that you won't continue to be. You have, however, been thinking about introducing a new and improved you to the world. The thing is, you'll have to create this person before you throw his or her coming out party. That's the easy part. Believe it or not, it's deciding when to do it that takes the real work.

Hmm... interesting.

Still swamped

...but will update fully later on.

I did get Bruce's truck back here last night (favour from a friend's husband; he went and got it started and running and then brought it here).

It's got almost nothing in it. I don't knwo where all the work stuff got to --- I suspect the guys he was living with robbed him blind and pawned anything. They had supposedly given me the keys along with his computer a few weeks ago ... but when friends's husband went to tell them to move the car they had right up tight against it, they handed him a whole other set of keys.

Anyway... it's Canada Day and we're headed off to see a parade then home for an hour or two, then off to the festival ...

Another difficult day ...

...over and done with.

I have been swamped. I'm in "hurry up and wait"  mode right now, so am trying to get caught up on business stuff.

It's been pretty tumultuous around here, and I went yesterday to the house Bruce had been living at ... oy. Of course I started to cry while packing up his stuff... he was, in fact, wearing Emma's favourite rugby shirt when he died, so it's gone, the coroner cut his cloting off.

I found a letter from Jean (Bs Mum) to him just before he left hospital (intervention-style letter). Cried again. She had written a whole page about her geood memories of him, had fallen in lve with him the second she saw him in the adoption office and  how excited she was when they got to adopt him and bring him to Edmonton. That the minute he was in their house, he just fit in perfectly.
She had also written in it that the effects of his alcoholism was obvious in how badly it affected his family --- that "it is so sad that Erin can't stand any more abuse from you" , and that "Emma, who only a year and a half ago at Xmas 2007 was Daddy's Girl, quietly slinks off to her room when her Daddy is even mentioned". She also said something about "verbal abuse he had handed her in the 2 or so weeks after his stint in ICU, that she was not impressed with it, and knowing it was the disease talking, but she has now seen it and won't put up with any more* crap unless he chooses rehab. That I dealt with it for years, and I dealt with worse abuse than she got in the last 2 weeks
I cried at that, too --- that the woman is so cutting in person, yet sticks up for us in a letter (?)

*(Yet, speaking to me all last fall, she would say that I was mean for not putting up with it after YEARS of dealing with it. Yeesh!)

The old guy that was home when we were there (Laurie went with me; Joe looked after Emma) saw me pick up this stuffed dinosaur that is kinda crazy colurs... Emma and I had bought it when she was almost 2 at My Favourite Aunt's. When we got home se showed B, and he said "COOL! I love it" so she would always bring him his dino when they were going to have a story or a cuddle.
Anyway, Bill (the old guy) said at least 8 times that "Bruce cherished that dinosaur, absolutely cherished it". I brought it home and Emma and I washed it last night.

The house he was in was a frickin' pigsty. Like, I'm talking carpet that has had drinks, beer, dinners, ahstrays and grime spilled on it. Cat pee all over it. They are all heavy heavy smokers ... the walls everywhere were covered with nicotine and it had condensed and dripped down the walls likely for years. Ick. The kitchen cupboard doors were filthy; they were white at some point but were covered in black oily grime and food spills and more nicotine. It was disgusting.
Bruce's room was a disaster zone. All of his clothes were  on the floor, bed, behind the bed ... and even with it all packed into big orange garbage bags, I had to drive home with the windows wide open because the smoke smell was so strong.

I was informed in conversation there that B died in the living room, passed out on the floor where he would always pass out. That Bill actually stepped over him to sit on the couch (as he often did before) and didn't even realize he was dead. They also said it was the same place as the last time --- when he was taken to the hospital... and that if Bill had not come home, or if all of them were out that day that he would have died then. So it was just a timing thing --- they were home the one day, but when it happened again they were all asleep.

I have his computer and cell phone now, too. I don't know if I will be able to get into the computer or not... I might have to use the recovery disks, and just hope that I have whatever it needs. I need to find a tape recorder to tape Bs cellphone outgoing message if it is still there; Emma asked for it the second day after he died.

Bs truck is still there ... one of my friends husbands is a mechanic and is going to slap a mechanic's plate on it and drive it to here --- he may even help me sell it. I hope he will and that it will sell for a decent amount of money.

In other news...
Today is a perect summer day so far. I have a lot of work to do outside; I have not planted anything apart from a 6-pack of pansies an 2 perennials. I have at least 40 plants left to plant, as well as getting my seeds in --- this was all work I hade planned out for the second week in June before the police rang my doorbell.

My brother-in-law called yesterday as he promised to do --- we talked about finances and whatnot, and said he really wants to smooth out this transition time for me and wants to wire me some money to help out (like a few thousand or so. I was a bit amazed, as they refused to help financially before ... I guess they thought I would give money to Bruce or use it to pay his bills?

Anyway, that's been the goings-on around here ...I'm off to get on with dishes and hopefully the yard!

A New Day

Yep... I slept a lot last night. Got up at 9am, and had a coffee, relaxed a bit, then had a look around my house.

I puttered. There are piles of stuff and file boxes and baskets and storage boxes. Just tons of stuff that I don't know what to do with.
I had all the papers out because of having to search for legal stuff a few months ago ... didn't have the gumption to put them away (don't know where "away"  is supposed to be).
I have a gajillion houseplants that need transplanting.
A whole basket full of hangers to put the clean laundry on, but have not done laundry since early in the week previous to last Monday.
I have a counter full of stuff that should be in the fridge, but there's no room (I seriously HATE this fridge, it is impossible to put things into and impossible to find things that are in there).
I have 3 medium-sized baskets of AVON demos and stuff to look through to figure out what I should keep and what should go to the women's shelter.
I have a fundraiser for Breast Cancer to make a couple of baskets for the silent auction (and I am going to go to it, and enjoy myself and have a drink or two.
I have 2 boxes of other stuff to donate to the women's shelter ... stuff that is new that came with freecycle items, and 2 reps have dropped of their excess stuff.
I have at least 45 plants to plant this week, or they'll die.
I have a ton of avon samples to organize and put away --- they were organized until I made the 200 packages for the last fundraiser... then my organization of it went to hell.

I also am going to sit down with a "Family Care Specialist"  at the funeral home, and s/he will have every single form I will need to fill out in order to apply for any and all benefits --- there is a widow's pension, an orphan's benefit, and probably a few others. S/he will walk me through those and have the correct forms and all the right places to send them. I am amazed at the level of service provided by the funeral home. Seriously. This "after care" is included free of extra charge with the funeral. So I am definitely going to use it. We had life insurance on our mortgage ... so I need to go to the bank with the death certificate; that will mean that the house and the trailer wil be paid off. I already contacted my lawyer to ask her to pass my file to someone in wills and estates, and that lawyer called me the other day real quick --- basically to tell me that I am NOT to talk to or sign any papers regarding any of Bruce's outstanding debts. Very cool that she advised that immediately.

Bruce's birth mom and sister came for the afternoon today. We sat and talked, and Emma went to the neighbor's house behind us to play in the sprinkler (it was really hot today!), which meant she was not around for the conversation (good and bad thing, as a lot of the convo was about the end of alcoholism, their experiences with the dad, other family stuff). They fly back to Ontario tomorrow afternoon ... so Emma is going to skip school tomorrow, and we are going to pack a picnic --- I got to bring home all the leftovers from the  caterer yesterday, so I have muffins and cookies and a it of coffee cake, cheese, and a huge fruit platter (my fridge is SO FULL!!). We are going to spend the morning over where they are staying so that the sister/aunt to Emma can have some one-on-one time with her.

I have had an immediate bond with these women... before they walked in yesterday, even. I mean, when they entered the chapel, I was up at the front putting pictures out, and when I heard someone walk into the chapel, I turned around ... and just dropped everything in my hands on the floor and walked very quickly over to them. There was hugs and tears, and just ... acceptance. I could really feel the love from them. They said later that they were really nervous that they'd be resented or unliked. But really, by the time the reception was over, all of Bruce's sisters and brother and both moms were hugging goodbye. I was so glad that the family accepted them so well. When Sally and I were planning it all, she was surprised that I had wanted to include them --- I said, they MUST be included; Bruce was just tickled pink when they found him last year, thrilled. So, I am glad that I insisted.

We're having a quiet evening now. Emma has been officially played out --- she fell asleep about 10 minutes ago. I have watered all the houseplants as well as refilled the self-watering glass globe thingy in one. I have printed off all the comments here and at facebook just to have. I am going to get some sort of nice wooden box for Emma to put her special things in and photos as a memory box, and include the rest sealed in an envelope for whene she is older so she knows that she was in so many people's thoughts through the rough times.

I am going to have a little bit of food and lay down for a bit. It is going to take a while to get my schedule back on track.
Thank you again for all the love, hugs, vibes and thoughts you're sending our way.

The end

Well, today was the service for Bruce. I was in tears almost the minute we got to the funeral home to set up pictures and stuff... the first other people there were Bruce's birth mom and sisters, which was a very emotional meeting for me (and them!).

Mostly the service was arranged by me, since I was still his wife. His sister helped out a LOT and the elder brother footed the bill for it all (on Monday I had said that I would not be able to afford a service and would have to look at some sort of private thing later --- the gov't offers a $2500 benefit to go towards funeral/burial, but I was told just the basic cremation tops out around $3500).

I had Fleetwood Mac playing as background as everyone arrived. We entered to Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart (one of Bruce's faves). Emma and I said a few words, a little memory. His mum spoke, his brother, then his dad --- and his dad was very choked up and made a mention of "Bruce's beautiful wife Erin and lovely daughter Emma" in relation to two he lived his life and life-altering people/events.

I had a DVD of pictures made, some I had taken in and some his mum had found, and it was t Meat Loaf ... his last rock opera, "I would do anything for love" ... we loved Meat Loaf, and he came to do his Bat out of Hell II concert here, and it got postponed ... which meant Bruce was out at work and couldn't attend. I took a friend instead but he always talked about missing it.

Then the pastor went up and spoke for a while. Then was the last song, which was for Emma and me ...Angel by The Coors, and the family all walked out to It's a Wonderful World.

Jan --- I took your flowers to the service and had them up beside the urn along with a huge vaseful of lilacs that Emma and I picked yesterday. They were beautiful and I so appreciated having them.

There was only about 40-45 people ... how it goes when you slide into alcohol, I guess. Too many people don't know what to say or do. One person from Bs old job came --- the IT guy. I was a bit shocked that the owners or the Edmonton manager did not attend. In all it was a good day with people talking to Emma, who did very well.

B's older brother came by the house later in the afternoon ... wanting to make sure I won't be ruined financially --- he will check in with me in a few weeks once he's back in Switzerland. If I meed help they now seem to be willing to step in. I have made it clear that Emma needs everyone to rally around her now.

I had him cremated ... the family was scattered a bit so I had arranged for them to go see him Thursday night if they wanted to say goodbye that way. I could not go --- the Bruce I had, I really had thought of as having died a few years ago, and I could NOT see him the way he would have looked havign been sick and weak ond lost a lot of weight.

I also had a little "keepsake urn" done for Emma with some of his ashes, so she could always have some tangible part of him to have with her. I had found a bunch of the father's day gifts she had made ... so we had taken them to place around his urn at the front of the chapel.

Now that its over .... I cannot stop the tears from springing up and spilling over. I just can't stop them. I think I have cried more in this one day than in the last week.

Later this afternoon, Emma went to the neighbor's house, the grandma of the little girl I babysat so long ago. I had to go lay down a bit. I conked out and kept waking up and trying to replay the same episode of Bones I had been trying to watch... Emma had called at one point to ask if she could stay there for dinner, and I promptly went back to sleep. Then she called at 10:15 asking if she could sleep over, and came home and packed her nightie and toothbrush and I walked her back over, and let the grandma know that if she needs me to call, because Emma's losing it later at night but being fine all day.

Tomorrow, Bruce's birth mom and sister are going to come over to talk for a while --- all three of them got here for the service today, and I am so glad. The youngest sister had to fly out right after the service to get back on board the cruise ship she works on. I am looking forward to seeing them a bit more. They are just such wonderful women. We have been communicating quite a bit with the one sister, and since Bruce was in hospital, I had been emailing back and forth quite a bit with his mother. They are devastated by this, too, obviously.

Well ... I am going to go try to relax a bit, and get some sleep. Thank you all so much for your comments --- seriously, it is you here that have held me up this week, as well as the messages at facebook. I do not know how I would have gotten through this without you all.